Losing Sonny
by Ayshen
Summary: How do you grieve when there are so many things left unsaid? Sexis, OneShot!


**A/N: I don't know what possessed me this evening, but I started writing something else...then opened a new document and ran with this. It was totally inspired by today. Anyway, this is a Sonny/Alexis one shot; it is a little long. There is a major character death and I can't promise happy endings but alas here it goes. Reviews and feedback are always appreciated!!**

The Island air was thick...the island scents mixing in the wind with the salt. It was sticky hot; the kind that came with the hurricanes from Central America. Alexis sat on the porch of the Plantation style house Molly sleeping comfortably on the porch swing. Carly and Jax had taken the children down to the water to swim but Alexis couldn't bring herself to want to do much of anything. She had refused to come down to the Island at first, dug her heels in, told Sonny she wasn't going to just put her life on hold...and then Violas' car was littered with bullets with the girls in the car. That was the last straw.

_Flashback_

"_It's better this way" he said in the airport._

_She rolled her eyes at him before she handed a sleeping Molly to Jason._

"_Jason will make sure you guys get over there safely; Jax and Carly are waiting for you...I know you and Carly don't get along, but there is ample room on the Estate._

"_We will be fine Sonny" _

_He looked away the shame in his eyes and leaned down, "okay Princess you have fun on the Island; daddy will come visit you as soon as he can"_

_Kristina nodded, "I love you daddy" she said as she hung to his leg._

"_I love you too girl" he said with a tear in his eye._

"_Go to Uncle Jason, okay...make sure he straps you in tight" Alexis said releasing Kristina to Jason who took her onto the jet._

_Alexis looked at him, his face hollowed, the bags under his eyes becoming more pronounced by the minute, "be careful"_

_She turned to leave and she felt his hand touch her arm, "yeah"_

"_I'm sorry"_

_To hear Sonny apologize about anything surprised her and she softened and she nodded._

_It was then he let his eyes downcast, "I should have listened when you said that my life was too dangerous for Kristina...if I wasn't such a selfish man; I would have let you both go...I'm...I never meant for that night to ruin your life."_

_At that moment she had to fight everything in her not to cry; he didn't understand...there were so many things that needed to be said between them, "that night gave me my heart; I wouldn't trade it for anything"_

"_Take care of yourself...and the girls" he said before turning away._

"_You too" she whispered for only her ears.._

_The ride to the Island was excruciatingly long; Jason and her staying silent most of the trip. After getting to the house and settling them in; he stayed for dinner at Carly's request...and he waited until she was asleep to leave. _

_Alexis was still awake sitting on the porch watching the waves crash upon the earth. Jason walked silently out a quick nod as he left. But she stopped him..._

"_Take care of him because you know without the boys or Kristina there he isn't going to be taking care of himself and I...Kristina needs her dad; as do Michael and Morgan"_

"_Okay" was all she got but the look in his eyes made her know she was understood._

It had been two months on the Island, and every week there was an update from Port Charles...Sonny had flown down twice, Jason three times. But now they waited because for three weeks there was no word. It took Jax and Alexis to talk Carly out of flying back...if there was no word; that meant it wasn't safe. The thought alone was enough to drive Alexis to madness.

"MOMMY!" jarred her from her thoughts as Kristina bounded back up the beach the rest in tow.

Alexis walked out to meet them, "how was the water" 

"Incredible, you should really go out of a dip" Jax said.

To that he got a pained smile, "maybe later"

"Mommy, can I stay and play Monopoly with Mikey and Morgan" her daughter asked the pout lip she had inherited from her father glaring at her.

"If that's okay with you"

Carly actually spoke first, "of course"

On the time there the distance once shared between the two females seemed non-existent...Carly started to realize that Alexis was not a threat to her marriage, and Alexis started to realize under all the crazy Carly loved and cared ferociously...Alexis admired that.

"Well, I am going to take Molly to the back to continue her nap"

Molly wasn't the only one who needed to long nap; as soon as Alexis' head hit the pillow she was gone also.

It was a slight tug on her hair that woke her.

"Mama" the little girl with the dark eyes said announcing that she wasn't going back to bed.

Alexis sat up and stretched, "alright little one, you are probably starved, and you are in luck because I think it is just about dinner time" she said looking at the wall clock.

After changing into some linen short pants and a tank she made her way up to the main house taking her time and letting Molly toddle her way down.

It wasn't until they came in view of the house that her heart sank. Jason was there...a sobbing Carly in his arms. Alexis grabbed Molly into her arms and began to trot down the pathway but before she could get there Jax had cut her off taking Molly from her arms.

"Alexis" he said trying to stop her but she moved past him and continued towards the porch. Carly turned to her first the puffy eyes and streaks leading down her face painting a picture Alexis didn't want to see.

Jason turned to her and more emotion was written on his face then ever before, "where is he, how badly is he hurt?" she asked calmly.

The blond man shook his head, "he's gone"

"No...don't give me that crap Jason...he is off faking his death somewhere, and when Zaccarah is gone; he is going to pop up"

"Zaccarah is dead...there was an explosion; one of the warehouses...neither made it out"

It took her back to a world ago; another person she loved in a warehouse; it wasn't supposed to be this way.

"No, no, no, no...not again, no, please, no" she said crumpling into a pair of arms.

Three weeks later they made their way back home to Port Charles. Telling the children had been the hardest part; Morgan didn't quite understand, Kristina cried for days and Michael was inconsolable. At the funeral Alexis and Carly sat in the front row the kids sitting solemnly in the middle as they mourned for the father of their children.

Port Charles had become mob free; something Alexis had dreamed about for a long time...just not like this. In her dreams Sonny was always there...Jax had come by with Carly to say goodbye...an extended vacation to Australia with Lady Jane was what their family needed to heal. Alexis promised to bring Kristina to visit; one thing each woman had learned was how important family is, and Michael and Morgan needed Kristina and she needed them.

Sam had moved to Los Angeles when it got to dangerous to be in Port Charles, and she called a couple times a week...Alexis made small talk, promised to visit and went on day by day. The worst were the days Kristina would ask over and over when Daddy was coming to see her. In her mind she couldn't comprehend that he was gone...even once throwing herself to the ground.

"DADDY IS NOT GONE, HE ISN'T, HE ISN'T" she screamed over and over until her body fell limp with exhaustion.

Three weeks after the funeral Jason knocked on her door. She knew what Sonny's death had done to him, the lose of weight, the dark circles around his eyes. But he gave her a box.

"Sonny...he made me promise to give this stuff out in case...there is a letter for you, and a couple videos for Kristina...he didn't want her to forget him"

"Never" she looking at the cardboard box.

Nikolas had picked up the girls to spend the weekend at Wyndamere. It had taken her two glasses of wine and three hours to get up the courage to open it.

There were three video cassettes, all marked "Kristina".. Then there was the letter. She recognized the dark stationary...years ago she had picked it out for him. She held the envelope in her hand her mind imagining him scrawl every letter...before she opened it she brought it to her nose and inhaled deeply...still alive on the paper was the scent of him and it flooded her body. It was then she noticed the tears falling onto her lap. Slowly, her hands shaking she began to open it. She peeled the outer shell away and took the delicate paper in her hands slowly unfolding it.

_Lex,_

_I guess if you are reading this I am really gone. I never meant to go this way; I thought I would be old and gray watching my grandkids run around Greystone. I guess I just made choices in my life that took that chance away...you were right in that way; heck if we are admitting things most of the time you were right even if I didn't want to listen. _

_I was always listening even when I didn't want to hear you. It's funny how you were the one woman in my life who called me on my crap. I've always admired that in you; even if we didn't see eye to eye. _

_There are some things I need to tell you; things I should have when I was here. First, I'm sorry...what? Everything, I guess...for steam-rolling into your life, for Kristina, for everything. You gave so much to me and I always took, took, took...I wonder if I ever gave anything to you...I guess in a way I did with Kristina. She is perfect Alexis, and contrary to what anyone believes I couldn't and wouldn't have chosen anyone else to be her mother. I was so upset when I thought she wasn't mine...I wanted her to be mine...I wanted you bonded to me. I wanted you not to have regrets on our one night we spent together...because I sure as hell didn't. That night; it wasn't just sex...it was like for once in my life the stars had aligned for me...and we came together. I have no doubts that everything I did in my life led me to there. I can only apologize for what happened after. When I lost you; it broke something inside of me...and I am not proud of the man I became. I hope by the time you read this you can once again consider me your friend. _

_I sometimes let my mind drift away to what might have been...if we would have met on one of those field trips you took to the ballet. If I would have made different choices. When I imagine what I wished my life was like; you were always the one standing next to me. I know you are probably rolling your eyes but I swear on my mother's grave; it's the truth._

_Sometimes a woman comes into your life and she makes you want to be a better man; you are that woman for me...you always were and you always will be._

_There are three tapes for Kristina; please Alexis..don't let her forget me...tell her the stories; the good ones and maybe some of the bad when she is old enough to handle it...just make sure she knows how much her daddy loved her. There are also two tickets. They are for the evening showing of Romeo and Juliet the ballet in Paris...I need you to take her; to share what Romeo and Juliet means to me...to us. _

_Love,_

_Sonny_

She fingered the two tickets...and she sobbed; she curled up on her couch and she cried...cried for the past...cried for the present and she cried for what may have been.

_**November 19, 2007...Paris, France.**_

"Oh mommy, you look so pretty" Kristina exclaimed when Alexis walked out in the black halter dress.

"As do you Princess, you ready, we don't want to be late"

Kristina was bubbling over with excitement as they arrived at the Playhouse. The usher took them to a Private booth overlooking the stage.

"There is only one more to be seated here" he said sitting them down.

Alexis smiled; she didn't care where she was sitting that night; just that she was here. The show was just beginning when the third person came and sat down. Alexis heard the rustling but figured she could introduce herself during intermission.

Kristina sat in her seat her eyes dancing with glee; glued to the stage. Alexis felt the body in back of her shift as if to speak to her. She positioned herself so that the person could whisper to her.

"She is really enjoying this, huh?"

Immediately he felt her go rigid, "shhh, don't say anything...later...meet me at the Hotel Royal Monceau...Room 109...please"

That was all he said before he walked out. She was sure her mind was playing tricks on her, she wasn't hearing his voice, smelling his scent...it couldn't. Still during intermission she turned to the usher.

"The man who was here; he"

"Yes he told me to apologize for the interruption; he had emergency business to attend to"

She nodded politely, "he seemed so familiar, do you know what he looked like?" she asked.

"Mmm, a little shorter than me, dark skin, darker hair, maybe Spanish descent, and ah what do the ladies call them...dimples"

She felt her heart being to beat faster but she smiled, "thank you"

Kristina turned to her, "Mommy, I love this" she said before turning her eyes back to the stage.

After the ballet they went back to the hotel and ordered room service with Viola and Molly. Kristina's eyes sparkled from the moment they walked out until she finally closed them to sleep.

Alexis was on pins and needles; and she knew she must be trembling but she managed to tell Viola she was going to meet an old friend in the city. She left her hotel and walked the five blocks to the Hotel Royal Monceau.. It was a beautiful hotel nestled near the Champs-Elysees. When she arrived she wondered what she was doing; this was insane but instead of walking away she found herself entering the opulent lobby.

"Bonjour madam, how may I help you" the desk clerk greeted her.

She smiled nervously, "I am here to meet a friend...Room 109"

"Ahh yes Mr. Michaels, he is expecting you" he said handing her a room key.

"Thank you" she said making her way to the elevator. She stepped inside and pressed the floor number her insides turning to jelly. She knew she should turn around, meeting a strange man in a hotel and yet when the elevator opened she didn't hesitate and when she found the door she slowly slid the key in as the green light popped up and she turned the knob and opened the door.

And there he was, "Lex" he whispered softly.

The moment hit her and in a moment she was in his arms, "you're alive, you're alive" she said pulling back to look at him.

He looked older, the gray at his temples more pronounced as was the gauntness in his cheeks.

"How" she asked almost angrily.

A simple smile came, those dimples sadder than before, "please don't be mad"

"Explain it to me so I won't be"

It was then he took her hand and led her to the two chairs on the balcony. The stars gleamed down on them; the reflection off the water making them twinkle more intensely.

She sat but he stood looking out across the city, "Zaccarah was too powerful, but he became sloppy...killing some undercover FBI agents. I couldn't have won him; he was gunning for people I love and...it was making me sloppy. A month after you went to the Island the FBI approached me...at first I wouldn't hear of it...but they were right; I was the lesser of two evils...so I made a deal with them"

The confused look on her face came before the words, "what kind of deal"

"In exchange for Zaccarah...I'm out"

The words resounded in her head over and over, "I'm out"

"But-"

"They had me fake my death; Zaccarah was in that warehouse but I was on a plane to FBI Headquarters...I am sorry I...there wasn't a choice"

Alexis tried to wrap her mind over all of it, but it wasn't computing, "so what does this mean exactly"

"Sonny Corinthos doesn't exist anymore...neither does his organization...it means I have a fresh slate, a new lease on life, but it also means I can't go back to Port Charles."

She nodded, "does anyone know"

"Besides you...not yet; I am planning a trip to Australia but...I wanted to tell you first"

"Why Sonny, why bring me to Paris, why tell me all this"

His eyes darkened, "did you read my letter"

A simple nod was all she gave him instead of the explanation that she read it every night before she went to sleep and that it sat in the nightstand next to her bed for easy access.

"I want you to come with me...I know it makes no sense but Alexis this...this is a brand new start, the mob is gone, I want to be the man that you always saw before, the better man, I want to be with you"

"No, Sonny it's not that easy, you were dead...dead...we mourned you and now you are here saying all the right things. Before we couldn't even decided if we liked each other. My job, my family, my life is in Port Charles, and you just want me to uproot everything on a gamble. How do you know we would work together Sonny? How do you know that in six months time you won't get tired of me" she asked the tears in her eyes coming alive on her cheeks.

"Because I love you Alexis...I love you, I have ever since we danced in Puerto Rico...I didn't know how to tell you; I never deserved you...but I want to, I want to work everyday to deserve you, Kristina, Molly...Just give me the chance" his tone was harsh, soft, pleading all at the same time.

And when she looked into his eyes she saw the truth; the raw emotion staring her back in the face. She hadn't seen it in a long while and the part of her that wanted to walk away was swallowed up in the piece of her that walked toward him.

She touched his lips, his cheekbones, his eyelids and then she moved her lips tentatively towards his and when they touched both felt the tingle...and when his hand wound in her hair, she knew she would never stop loving this man and losing him again wasn't an option.


End file.
